I’ve read up tons of dating, relationship, pick up artist advice on how to attract women. Some advice said to tease her, some said to ignore her, some said to do it directly, some say to text her only after X number of days, some say you got to be ‘masculine’. It was all really confusing to me.
I needed a clear model that is replicable across cultures and different demographics of women.
There is a couple of school of thoughts from evolutionary to social psychology, there is no one fit answer, however, there are principles you can adopt to be attractive to women across all cultures.
How to Attract Women – The Universality of Status
Psychological research shows that there’s one universal denominator that women find desirable across all cultures, ethnicities, age groups and socio-economic standing and even in time periods.
The largest common denominator of what attracts women to men is men who are perceived to be of higher status around women.
This is commonly known in the pick up artist literature as being of higher status, or ‘demonstrations of higher value’.
Note, I used the word perceived, that’s because status is relative, and I’ll get into that later.
So, how do you become ‘high status’, then? Is it something that’s demonstrated through looks, money and success?
That’s both true and untrue.
If you’re brought up like me in a conservative Asian culture, you’re probably told a hundred times to think that once you do well in school, get a good job, you’ll automatically be able to kill it when it comes to women. There’s a huge pressure for us Asian males who grow up in a culture that associates monetary achievement with success.
Not to mention that hot women are splashed over and associated with the majority of advertising campaigns. The bouncers at the clubs treat her nice, she gets social opportunities shoved in her face, she gets into clubs for free and everyone loves her… for being pretty.
However, if money, looks and success are all it takes to attract women, then why do women all around the world find themselves flocking to the broke musician or the 6 pac athlete?
These cultural narratives influence your confidence with women to a certain extent.
If attraction is determined by purely monetary assets, then why do many wealth off males in developed cultures can’t lay a date to save their lives and resort to dating sites or prostitution? Why is it that a good portion of the female population in the world make romantic/sexual decisions with pretty average males and are okay with it?
The Relativity of Status: Looks, Money and Status
Welcome to the relativity of status.
Yes, looks, money and success are external signals of ‘status’. However, assuming you’re an average male are aren’t born into a privileged family, you can’t rely on looks, money and success.
Wearing a Rolex watch, flaunting material wealth and boasting about it in a developed country will get you eye rolls. You’ll come off as insecure and try hard. However, if you go to less developed cultures, wearing a Rolex watch will be all you need to attract women.
Take a male who has a high paying job. He may be able to come up with silly jokes or one liner may come off as confident. However, he’s in a job he hates. He does it please his parents, impress girls, or is saying those jokes to get validation from her. It’s not a genuine or authentic expression of his identity.
He’s still an unattractive male at the end of the day.
Whereas, a truly attractive man may not have the best lines, however, he’s authentic in his words and doesn’t try to impress anyone. He lives life on his own values, doesn’t try to impress anyone and is capable of standing up for himself.
He may not be as financially well off as the former. However, he is a leader and the former is a follower. From an evolutionary standpoint, who do you think women are attracted to?
So, how do you be of ‘high status’ to the girl? Is it accumulating money, looks and success? If material objects or social status aren’t the only measurements of your attractiveness to women. Then how can you truly measure how attractive you are to women?
Fortunately, research shows that YOU too can be attractive to women.
The Potential for Status
There’s research stating that the potential for status is equally attractive with status itself.
This means that if your behaviour shows that you have the potential to be rich, famous, successful, it is equally attractive to being rich, famous and success already.
Personal experience backs this up, when I was a broke accounting student, I was far off from ‘successful’. However, I dated women who had more academic qualifications, money and ‘status’ than I did. In fact, I wasn’t a good student. However, I was passionate about many topics and it was a huge period of growth for me.
From personal experience, women in developed societies are educated and are able to finance their lifestyles independently on men. They aren’t exactly looking for wealth or prestige. I’ve dated women who told me that they can provide for themselves and are not looking for a guy to provide financially for them. Of course, minus the gold diggers.
In modern culture, there’s a there’s a huge value placed on external success such as prestige, jobs and wealth. It’s misconstrued that by racking up job security, cars, wealth, and prestige, it’ll automatically make you attractive to women.
Let’s just say women don’t spend their nights fantasizing of your bank account.
However, I’m not saying that you should not thrive to make money, get good grades or look good. They all help, just like academic success don’t translate directly to career success. However, the discipline to perform in school can be applied to similar skillsets required to attract women.
I’m saying that you shouldn’t be reliant on your monetary success to attract women. You also do need some money to go to social events, use public transport, put yourself in demographics, go out on dates, dress well and have your own place etc.
Note: Having social skills and being extraverted also doesn’t mean that you’re automatically great with women. I was an extrovert during my late teens, I still got nowhere with women. You can be social with everyone, however, if you freak you when it comes to talking to a girl you’re into, then being Mr Popular still isn’t going to get you anywhere.
Our Behaviour as a Determinant of Status
Looks, houses and cars are all displays of external wealth, prestige and social status. They can lead to attraction. However, these variables are NOT directly in your control.
If you’re measuring yourself based on in external signals such as making a million dollars, popularity, factors that are out of your control, then you’re not going to be really attractive that’s because your self-esteem is going to fluctuate based on these external variables.
If external variables such as looks, money and social status can’t be controlled, at least immediately, what CAN be controlled then? That’s our behaviour.
How does this play out? This can play out in obvious ways and subtle ways.
If you’re going to go to University and doing a degree because your parents, society or your friends think it’s a good idea to, and you secretly hate it, it’s going to come off. If you’re getting that job just because ‘that’s what everybody does’. What does this say about you?
You’re a follower and not a leader. You’re not living a life based on your values, and not at all being assertive in your life. You’re more concerned about what others think about you than what you think of yourself.
For example, a rich banking executive may display external signs of prestige such as monetary success, cars and more. However, he may secretly resent his work and isn’t truly happy or satisfied with his lifestyle. Compare this to an entrepreneur running a small scale business. He may not be extremely rich, however, he’s happy and fulfilled when pursuing his projects.
The first is a follower and the later is a leader.
From an evolutionary standpoint, which one will women be attracted to? The follower or the leader?
When you assert yourself, be bold and lead a life based on your values, you dress a certain way because it’s a genuine expression of yourself, you pursue a lifestyle that you enjoy and pursue projects that genuinely make you happy. You’re a leader. From an evolutionary standpoint, you’ll be a reliant and dependable father can take care of her offspring.
Hence, you’ll be attractive to her.
Note, there’s a difference between being assertive and being over domineering.
If you go around not caring about social norms and not giving a fuck anybody, feeling like you need to dominate yourself in any social situations, then you’re not really a ‘true alpha right’ Someone who is truly confident doesn’t need to be right all the time.
Having true confidence means you respect the boundaries and ideas of others, but at the same time, you’re not fazed if someone else disagrees with you or rubs you off negatively.
Ultimately, whether you’re born rich and famous or not, you’re still required to adopt attractive behaviours to be successful with women. There’s no way around this.
Now, let’s take at the second universal determinant on what attracts women.
Physical Arousal: The Desire to Be Desired
The one other universal determinant of female attraction is the desire to be desired.
If the perception of status leads her to be psychologically aroused, then the desire to be pursued leads her to be sexually aroused.
In laymen terms, the perception of status, psychological arousal, makes her want to be your girlfriend. However, sexual arousal, makes her want to have sex with you right there and then.
Women don’t light candles and lay in bathtubs fantasize about condominiums and cars. They fantasize about far stranger things. This goes against the conventional idea that female attraction is solely tied to ideas and displays of security, investment, and commitment.
After all, Fifty Shades of Grey did sell millions of copy all around the world. It’s literally porn for women. Why does woman get turned off by the man who asks for permission when taking off her clothes, but get turned on by the male who doesn’t hesitate in the bedroom. Why are women reported to have rape fantasies?
So what does all of this mean for you and me?
If you’re afraid to ask her out, afraid to kiss her or afraid to touch her, it’s going to be a turn off for her. It means that your inability to assert yourself socially and sexually is going to turn her off.
In many cultures around the world, there are common cultural narratives to reserve your advances when pursuing a girl.
This is a narrative that I told myself for YEARS, SEVERELY deliberating my success with women. It was only when I started behaving in a more dominant manner, that I started getting more results.
From personal experience, your single ability to be sexually assertive with women will determine 80% of your success with women.
The Dark Triad Traits
There is research that goes to show that dark triad traits can be helpful in short term mating strategies, namely:
However, there is a multitude of costs to them. If you’re attempting to adopt dark triad ways of behaviour, don’t be surprised if you end up dating psychopathic women yourself.
There’s research that shows that people self selects similar values in relationships. This means that people with similar values and self-esteem often end up together.
Your Intentions: The Why Behind Your Behaviour
So Marcus, what you’re saying is that all I got to do is to show that I’m ‘higher status’ and tell that I want to have sex with her right there and then?
Intentions isn’t covered by the majority of dating advice. I’ve seen men screw it up a gazillion times on this.
It’s NOT about ‘not giving a fuck’ and not caring about social norms and going up to grope her in broad daylight. It’s about pushing the interaction forward in an assertive but respectful manner.
Intentions are the ‘WHY’ behind your behaviour. In communication, what motivates your behaviour is equally as important as the behaviour itself. It is also a determinant if your behaviour is truly confident or you’re trying to be confident.
Think about it, you ever hung out with someone who was trying way too hard to be cool? You probably felt turned off and slightly disgusted right?
If you’re saying something to a girl just because you think she wants to hear it, it’ll probably turn her off. This is why men in bars who trade alcohol for attention fail miserably night after night.
His behaviour or the surface may come off as cool but his intentions are way off.
When in doubt, always check your intentions.
It’s always good to ask yourself:
Is what you say to her authentic, a genuine expression of your desire for her? Or are you saying it because you read it a book somewhere that it is a good idea to?
This is why lines and a lot of the pick up artist literature can be limiting in the long run.
This is why memorizing lines and then mouthing it off like a robot ultimately going to come off as un-confident behaviour. You’re using these lines, routines and strategies because you’re inherently unconfident as a person.
I’ll like to expand more on sexual shame. Like I mentioned, 80% of your success is going to be determined by your ability to assert yourself physically and socially with women.
That’s also where the majority of men fail.
One’s inability to be sexually assertive can be rooted in many factors such as cultural influences, overly strict upbringing, poor relationship with your parents or past traumas.
The majority of men are suffering from a lack of sexual assertiveness. It’s the inability to feeling guilty/ bad/ worthless when asserting your sexual/ emotional desires and need. This is why you don’t go up to talk to her. This is why you’re afraid to touch her.
You’re also going to have a far better battling average by taking care of 1) how you present yourself 2) what you talk about and your ability to communicate interest in a socially savvy way. This way, every single interaction you have is optimized for success. You’re not wasting your bullets.
If you can present yourself in a positive manner, your biggest problem is not being able to meet enough attractive women. This is because you are limited to their social circles and aren’t able to meet women on the go. To solve this, you need to be able to be able to approach women and expand your dating opportunities.
There is no way about this.
Yes, you’ll get rejected. You’ll get rejected a lot. However, if you’re looking to have independence and choice in your dating life, then this you got to get this skillset down.
Success with Women Something You’re Proud Of?
I was hanging out with a couple of friends who are into ‘pick up’ and they asked me: what do your friends and parents think about this? I simply say I’m honest about it. I tell them that I used to suck at this, I started reading a couple of books and that’s how I got the ball rolling.
Is attracting women something you should be proud of and something you invest in it? Is it something you can tell your parents, sibling, friends and colleague about?
Here’s a reader’s email:
From what I observed, a lot of people getting into this dating advice thing (especially in Singapore) don’t see it this way. I boil it down to a couple of reasons:
- Certain cultures, especially Asian
- They think it’s a game: they are TAKING something from the girl
I’ll let you in on a funny story. Whilst I was coaching last month, I demonstrated an ‘infield’ interaction for him. The interaction went well. Well, because he’s new to social skillsets, he actually told one of the girls:
‘I’m here with Marcus, he’s teaching me how to talk to girls’.
It was a huge facepalm moment.
Needless to say, the girls wanted to chase me away.
‘Why are you still talking to us? Why don’t you follow your friend and teach him how to talk to more girls?’
Hah. The most of you will see this as a ‘shit test’. To be honest. Fuck shit tests. What’s the difference between a shit test and a girl genuinely doubting you? In this case, these girls were GENUINELY doubting me.
What could I have said at that moment?
I simply said: ‘Well, he’s my client and I’m teaching him. Don’t you think some guys need help in this area of your life? Would you want a cool, socially intelligent guy talking to you when you’re in the club? I happen to suck social interactions with women as well. Perhaps I still do, to some extent.’
The fact that I was unapologetically about my interaction, both of us continued talking and I got her number.
How to Go Forward from Here: Something You’re Proud Of
The best way to go about attracting women is from a position of self-investment. This means coming from a place of boldness and empathy. This means being proud of the fact that you’re walking up to her and creating an opportunity for each other. That’s what you want to be gunning for in the long run. Long term true confidence.
This is why you need to get other areas of your life down. This means your job, maximizing your income, your friends around you, and understanding your behaviours. This area should be something you should be proud of. There are guys who are proud of learning this.
Boldness balanced out with empathy is an effective way to pursue women.
When you pursue women in a bold manner, it’ll force you to force you to overcome insecurities. It’ll shape you to become truly confident. The strategies and techniques will slowly shape you to become more comfortable with your sexuality. This isn’t only about something that you do, it’s now something that you are.
Buss, D. M. (n.d.). The Evolution of Desire.Retrieved September 01, 2017, from Academia.Edu: https://www.academia.edu/325352/The_Evolution_of_Desire
Jonason, P. K., LI, N. P., & Buss, D. M. (2010). The Costs and Benefits of the Dark Triad: Implications for Mate Poaching and Mate Retention Tactics. Personality and Individual Differences, 4, 373-378.
Locke, D, K., Horowitz, & M, L. (1990). Satisfaction in interpersonal interactions as a function of similarity in level of dysphoria. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 58(5), 823-831.
Ph.D., N. S. (2013, August 22). What Do Women Really Want? Retrieved August 29, 2017, from PsychologyToday.Com: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insight-therapy/201308/what-do-women-really-want
Yang, W. (2011, July 29). Sex, Lies and Data Mining.Retrieved Sep 1, 2017, from New York Times: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/07/31/books/review/a-billion-wicked-thoughts-by-ogi-ogas-and-sai-gaddam-book-review.html?pagewanted=all